Often when we’re single it isn’t because we’ve chosen to be. We would like to find a companion, a lover or even a life partner. But it might seem difficult at times to attract the right person. Sometimes it might seem we’re unable to attract anyone at all.
Attraction is only partly to do with physical appearance. The rest is about energy. If you’re interested in a relationship with substance, physical appeal will only get you so far. To keep a person’s attention and interest you need to have something more. It doesn’t matter if you’re out of shape and you don’t have the nicest clothes. Personality can go a long way. So I’m going to share with you some of the secrets of being attractive, and they have nothing at all to do with looks.
First of all, it’s important to understand that who we attract, or even our lack of magnetism, is a direct reflection of our internal belief system. If, for instance we only seem to attract those who take advantage of us, use us and abuse us, and seem to have little or no respect for us, this is often a reflection of our own lack of self-worth and respect. Of course, even when you have great love for yourself, disrespectful people will come into your space at times, but they won’t stay long. They will see that you respect yourself too much to be manipulated. The more you love and value yourself, the more difficult it will be for others to take advantage of you. You will only be interested in someone who can mirror your self-respect; someone who has enough respect for themselves. In turn, your self-worth will show in the way you hold yourself, and in the way you interact with others, and this will make you much more attractive.
If you feel desperate to find a partner, this will also reflect in the way you interact with others. Your desperation will come across as a weakness, exposing your insecurity. If you are fortunate enough to attract anyone at all, it is likely to be someone who is also insecure and needy. Two needy persons are like two beggars begging one another for riches. And because neither person will ever be able to satisfy the other, the relationship will turn sour very quickly.
Being single is actually a wonderful opportunity to resolve these kinds of personal issues, to heal old wounds and to re-evaluate your relationship standards. If you haven’t read my articles From Loneliness to Aloneness and In Seeking the Perfect Partner, I highly recommend you do.
The highest quality of attractiveness is confidence. And once again, it doesn’t matter how handsome or pretty you are. If you feel good about yourself, others will feel good about you too. Confidence need not depend upon physical beauty. It is more concerned with one’s abilities and characteristics. Confidence is a feeling of self-assurance and appreciation in regard to one’s abilities and qualities. It doesn’t require those abilities and qualities to be perfect. It simply recognizes the value in them.
Confidence is not to be confused with conceit, however. Conceit is about having an exaggerated opinion of yourself and your abilities. In fact, conceit requires a great deal of judgment. Deep down we have judgments about ourselves, about our own inadequacies and imperfections, and in order to distract from those and make ourselves feel better we focus on the imperfections of others. We use our judgments about their imperfections to make ourselves feel superior. This puffed up sense of superiority can sometimes appear as confidence, and people will sometimes find it attractive. But once they get to know you better, they’ll see that you’re just self-absorbed and shallow. And this will damage your relationships.
Confidence, on the other hand, is about recognizing both your positive and negative qualities, your flaws and imperfections, and honoring those positive qualities despite the negative ones. It’s really about withholding judgment, and instead, loving and accepting yourself, and recognizing your own self-worth. You don’t have to think that you’re better than anyone else. But you also don’t have to believe that you’re any worse. You can simply recognize that everyone is special in their own unique way—that everyone has something of value to offer. You just have to come to a place of recognizing what it is that you have to offer, and to appreciate those qualities within yourself.
How many times have you approached someone you’re interested in only to be turned down?
When someone turns us down, we often take it personally. We feel rejected, based upon the assumption that there must be something wrong with us, and this can damage our sense of self-worth.
However, once you’ve developed a sense of confidence you will find that you don’t need validation from others. In fact, genuine confidence is all about self-validation. So if someone doesn’t recognize the value in you, it doesn’t mean the value isn’t there. It just means that they’re incapable of seeing it because of their own personal issues. So you don’t have to take it personally. In fact, if someone isn’t able to appreciate your value then you’re better off without them, because, if you truly value yourself, you will only want to be with someone who recognizes your value.
When you’re coming from a place of confidence, you can show interest in someone without having any expectation of a particular outcome. If you find their company enjoyable, then simply enjoy it. And if they find your company enjoyable also, then they will likely want to spend more time with you. You don’t have to push anything to happen. You can just relax and allow the relationship to move in whatever direction it naturally wants to flow. But if you seem like you’re desperate to get them into a relationship, you will come across as needy. Neediness is insecurity. It is the opposite of confidence. And just as confidence is very attractive, neediness often repels others.
When you don’t have an agenda, you’ll be more at ease, and the other person is more likely to find your energy comfortable and relaxing. You need to trust in the natural flow of the relationship, rather than trying to force anything. And if it turns out that the other person just isn’t romantically interested, then you’re probably not a good match anyway. And you need to be okay with that. You need to be comfortable with your own aloneness. When you’re coming from a sense of completeness in yourself, it won’t matter if you wind up with someone or remain alone. Either way, you won’t have lost anything.
So when you’re out there socializing, drop your agenda. Just be in the moment. Enjoy the company of others without needing to attach yourself to anyone.
Often when we’re single we put so much of our energy into meeting others that we neglect ourselves. But the truth is that independence is an extremely attractive quality. When you’re focused on doing your own thing, whether it’s pursuing your passion or engaging in a hobby, other people will admire this in you.
When you’re living your life for you, going out and doing what you enjoy, without the need to have someone by your side, others will want to be beside you.
Sometimes we’re waiting for someone else to come along so we can get started on life. There are so many things which we would like to do, but we don’t want to do them alone. But I have found that when you’re fully engaged in your passion, others find your passion inspiring. It makes them feel good just to see you doing what you enjoy. And when others feel good around you, they associate that feeling with seeing you. In other words, they find your passion attractive. And naturally they will want to share in it.
Everyone is searching for happiness, and often we think that it’s going to take someone else to make us feel this way. But the truth is that no one can make you happy. You might feel happy in certain situations or around certain people, but in truth your happiness arises from within you. Once you realize this, you no longer need to depend upon anyone or anything to make you happy. You can choose to be happy, even for no reason at all.
Now because we can all appreciate happiness, when we are happy others are naturally attracted to us. If we go out feeling sad and depressed, desperate and incomplete, it’s no wonder we have so much trouble finding a romantic partner.
So you have to get in touch with that inner joy and bring it up to the surface where it can shine, and others will be drawn to your radiance like moths to a flame. Once you have developed a greater sense of confidence, independence and detachment, happiness will come with ease.
There’s a lot of advice out there on how to be more attractive, but much of it consists of tricks and illusions. That’s fine if all you’re looking for something shallow and short-lived. But if you’re seeking something long lasting and intimate, the best thing you can do is come from a place of authenticity.
People will tell you to simply be yourself, and this is great advice, because, if you’re going to wind up in a long term relationship you need to be honest about who you are. But more important than being yourself is loving yourself, because only when you love yourself fully are you truly able to express yourself authentically.
The advice I often give to those who are seeking a partner is to stop seeking. The right person will show up when the time is right. But in the meantime, I suggest embracing your time alone, and utilizing it as an opportunity for personal growth, so that when the right person comes along, you will be able to offer them a truer, more authentic version of yourself.
It’s important to take time examining why we are in search of a partner. What is it that we expect to gain from such a relationship? Because often what we are searching for can only be provided by and for ourselves. No one will make us happy. No one will complete us. No one can make us feel loved. These are all qualities which we must discover within ourselves. And once we have discovered them, we are in a much better position to share them with our partner when they arrive.