In Search of Our Soulmate.. In Search of Ourselves


There’s a lot of talk about soulmates, with definitions differing slightly from one to the next, but the basic concept is that for each of us there is one special person who we are destined to be with.  Your soulmate is your perfect match, your ideal partner, the other half of your soul with whom you are made complete.

I find it interesting when I hear people say that they are searching for their soulmate.  If the universe has created another soul with whom we are destined to unite, then wouldn’t you think that the universe would also arrange the meeting?  We are talking about destiny after all.

It’s also interesting to note how often we think we’ve found our soulmate only to later find ourselves disappointed and dissatisfied as soon as any conflict arises in the relationship, because we’ve carried this fantasy that with our soulmate everything is supposed to be perfect.

Personally, I don’t believe in soulmates, at least not in the typical sense.  That is, I don’t believe that there is one perfect person who was specially created for me, or that there is someone out there who is perfectly aligned with me in every single way that we fit together flawlessly, satisfying one another’s ever need and desire.  I do believe , however, that every person who does show up in our lives can offer us some valuable and much needed lesson, if were open and willing to pay close attention.

We tend to attract certain people into our lives according to the subconscious beliefs we carry about ourselves.  And while we may desire someone who fits a certain ideal, if we don’t fit that ideal ourselves, then how do we expect to attract someone who does?

Something I’ve observed in my own life is that the more I learn and grow with each relationship, each relationship that follows tends to be of a richer quality.  We all want the kind of relationship where we connect deeply with the other, in which we find ourselves in constant alignment, with no drama or conflict.  But we don’t want to take the time to grow.  If we’re honest, we’ll recognize all the areas in which need attending, but we keep hoping that someone else is going to come along and fix us.

And so most of us wind up with someone who seems to be totally out of alignment with our ideal.  Even when the relationship seems ideal in the beginning, it tends to shift toward conflict and dissatisfaction.  But just because this person is not in alignment with our ideal doesn’t mean they aren’t a perfect match, according to our level of emotional health and maturity. And it may even seem on the surface that we’re very different in our temperaments, but actually our temperaments reflect one another.  In relationship we become like mirrors reflecting our subconscious beliefs back at one another.

To give an example, suppose that you often attract partners who are abusive, whether that’s emotionally or physically or both.  You may be the type of person who never lifts a finger against anyone or even speaks harshly.  You may be very quiet and submissive.  You may even be someone who goes out of their way to try and please others.  So how could it be that someone ill-tempered, violent and neglectful is a reflection of your subconscious beliefs?

You might think that you are not an abusive person, but take a deeper look at your own feelings and beliefs in regard to yourself yourself.  Observe the way in which you speak to yourself in your mind.  If you believe that you’re worthless or weak, ugly or unlovable, then you are abusive to yourself.  When you don’t love and respect yourself, you’re inviting others to treat you disrespectfully.  The way you feel about yourself is transmitted through the way you carry yourself, the words you speak, your tone of voice, your body language.  And it’s going to attract someone who reflects those beliefs; someone who will abuse you in the way that, deep down, you feel you deserve.   Of course, no one is deserving of abuse.  But if you believe you are undeserving of love and respect, then even if you meet someone who loves and respects you, you won’t accept it.  Somehow you will sabotage the relationship, and end up with someone who reflects your belief that you are worthless.

This is an extreme example, but the reality is that whoever we attract into our lives is perfectly matched to us according to our sense of worth, according to our convictions and beliefs.  And this isn’t to say that we’re meant to be with that person forever.  Relationships serve to teach us many lessons, and these lessons are meant to help us to grow.   Sometimes the lesson may be about learning to value ourselves.  It may be about learning to be more independent, letting go of attachments and expectations.  It may be about re-examining our values and needs.  The lessons are different for each of us depending on where we are in life.  And once the lessons are learned, we may no longer have any need for that person in our lives.

Whenever I would imagined my ideal partner, I would sometimes notice that their most desirable qualities were the ones which I had yet to develop in myself.  And I would realize that what I wanted in a partner, I really wanted in myself.  Perhaps I wanted a partner with those qualities so I wouldn’t have to develop them.  But I also realized that, even if such a person existed, they wouldn’t have much interest in me unless I measured up.

It’s interesting to observe how so many people hold such high standards toward prospective partners, which they themselves fail to live up to, and yet they’re confounded by the fact that their relationships don’t last long.

I think we really need to re-examine those standards in relation to ourselves.  I’m not saying we shouldn’t have standards.  We certainly should.  However, we shouldn’t require anyone to meet any standard which we cannot meet for them in return.  For example, we might desire a partner who is rich, even though we are very poor.  In fact, it is often because we are poor that we desire someone who is rich.  But if we measure our prospective partners by this standard, turning away those who don’t measure up, we are being, not only unfair, but hypocritical. And in addition, we are failing to learn whatever lesson those persons are being sent to teach us.

What I’m trying to explain here is that we need to have more trust in divine providence.  We need to understand why we attract certain people into our lives.  We need to understand what the lessons are meant to teach us.  It’s okay to hold in our mind an picture of the perfect partner.  But what if all the imperfect ones are being sent to us to help us grow into that very ideal ourselves?  What if we cannot meet such an ideal person until we have raised ourselves up to the same standard?

Many people who subscribe to the belief in soulmates never find one because they are searching for perfection while lacking perfection in themselves.  Personally, I don’t believe there is any such thing as a perfect person.  I have, like anyone else, imagined what the ideal partner might be like, but I can’t help thinking about how ill-suited I would be for them.  While I don’t believe that there is any one perfect person out there for me or anyone else, I do believe that we are perfectly matched with those who reflect our own vibration.

My current partner, as wonderful as she is, is by no means perfect.  However, I can truly appreciate her imperfections because they place us on equal ground.  After all, I have many imperfections myself, some of which the two of us share.  In some regard this makes us a perfect match.  Do I believe she is my soulmate or my twin flame?  Well, that depends on how you define these terms.

I believe, as I’ve already stated, that there are certain people we are matched with in life in order to learn whatever lessons we are meant to learn at that time.  I believe that there are certain people who align with or reflect our vibration.  Those partnerships may be short lived or life-long depending upon the lessons involved and upon the way our vibrations shift and evolve in relation to one another.  I don’t believe, however that there is one special person meant solely for every other person, or that we are incomplete until will find such a person.  I believe that we are already complete.  And I believe that the expression of love and relating is infinite, and that, in the greater cosmic scheme of things, we are all a connected to one another at the level of spirit.  And so, we may connect with any number of people throughout a lifetime, for various lengths of time, and in various different ways.  Some of those exchanges will be romantic in nature, and sometimes romantic exchanges will overlap.

I do believe that there are certain people with whom we may have unfinished business (karma) carried over from previous lifetimes.  And I do believe that there are those who serve as mirrors, reflecting back those aspects within us that need adjusting.  I believe we have many soulmates and many twin flames, who we will meet from time to time, and from life to life.  I believe that the potential for loving and sharing is unlimited and that there is no single person who we are confined to express it with.

I believe that what we are searching for in others we are actually searching for in ourselves, and that our relationship to others is meant to awaken those aspects within us.

I believe that the ultimate lesson for all of us, especially in regard to relationships, is learning to love more fully and more deeply ourselves as well as every living being, without exception, condition or limit.


One thought on “In Search of Our Soulmate.. In Search of Ourselves

  1. Pingback: A Spiritual Perspective on Marriage | Algo Desde Nada

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